Rumors...

Well, to start of, I'm listening to "Cat and Mouse" Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

Rumors are stupid. They annoy me only because if they're about me, they're probably the most unrealistic and stupid thing anybody could ever say, and people believe it. How dumb they must be...

Being in that small town I live in, it doesn't take long for something to go around. I bet it's like that in bigger towns too, right? Well today, one of my closer friends starts talking to me, asking if I liked anybody.

I don't to be fully honest. Everybody is really immature, and I'm really trying to grow up. Drama isn't something I aim to be apart of. I don't want to hear people's problems especially if they're about passing a grade or who you like. It's stupid, really.

I care about problems like suicide, cutting. I'm afraid that one day I will pick up a razor and do what I fear. I'm afraid that one day I'll make the final choice: give up on my life. Realistic problems, right? Those are the serious ones, in my opinion anyway.

But, of course, nobody really listens, no matter how much you try to spend time convincing them you don't like anybody. They're all like "That's not what I heard" Which pisses me off more. If they're going to ask me, why not believe MY answer?

If I ask who it was, they at least tell me the answer, which is good I guess. One of the few people I can stand talking to was the answer of course. I don't like him because he will never spend his time on me. He might say he will, but he likes some other girl. I'm not waiting around for the day he wants to choose me; I'm not like that.

Now, laying around my room, all I can think about is stupid rumors. I'm not one to spread anything about anybody. Sure I did it once or twice, but now I just don't. Do I have a reason to? Ugh, no, not really. [Song change to "Sweet Dreams" Marilyn Manson] The worst thing is when your 'best friend' spreads those rumors. Maybe they started them, I'm not sure. Is that person truely my best friend then?

Maybe your best friend wouldn't do that...Maybe I'm just messed up enough to have a friend who will actually do that. I don't know. I am a pretty messed up kid though. How many girls do you know that have some sort of death wish at 13?

Well, I don't nessisarily have a death wish. It's not exactly like that. I know I'm always sad. When I see those depression commercials, I happen to notice I have all the symptoms. So, I'm depressed.

Nobody's going to go around fixing that one.

 Well, some days I shake violently. I'm not exactly sure why, but normally if you look at me, Really look at me, you'll notice that I shake. My hands and my knees are what I really notice. Sometimes it's even hard to hold a pencil. I love writing, so think of how hard that has got to be for me. But what do I do? Will anything really fix me? I'm not going to complain to my mom. What could she do?

So, nobody will fix that either.

Some days I'm forced to put dishes away. Not a hard chore, is it? But if I'm putitng away a knife, I take a second look at it. Really look at it. I think that maybe I could just cut my arm a little, only enough to see a little blood. My hand will again shake, and I think that's what I want to do. But what will I do with the knife after? What if I can't get the blood off? Do I hide it somewhere? What if somebody finds it? What will they think?

I never cut myself, but sure I've thought about it. I hope I wont, but who knows.

Maybe somebody could help me, but how could somebody's opinion do that? I have issues with caring...

So nobody will fix that one.

Then those days I want to kill myself. I haven't, as you can see. I don't think I will ever, but you never know. I think about my purpose. Nobody will miss me much if I'm gone, right? I have other siblings, my mom will be fine. Everybody will be fine.

Nobody loves me, right? I can get away with it.

But I'm afraid to do it, if I ever become totally serious. Who's going to find me? How will I even die? I read a book once about kids who wanted to die. I also read about cutters. Next I'm going to read about anerexic girls because I want to know. I'm dealing with that too.

Sure I eat, just not enough. Some days I aim to eat nothing, but I can't. I have to eat dinner so it looks like nothing is wrong. I have to act normal. It's not that I think I'm fat or anything, I just like that feeling. It's the first thing I know I can control, and I love it. It's my way of punishing myself for these thoughts.

I know I'm messed up.

Well, I'm tired. I'll write more eventually. But it's not like much people will read this anyway.

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<3

Well, I'm not quite sure how blogging works. But I'm also not sure on other things. But I love writing, and writing I will do. I don't really expect anybody to read this, so if you do, try not to understand. You might...depending on what I write. Other times, all I'm going to have to say is don't waste your time.

 [Before I start, I'm going to say that the homepage editing thing was all good for a while, then I go to add a picture, and it freezes up on me. It was really annoying, and now it's not even letting me get to doing it. I blame my stupid computer XDD]

I'm currently listening to Brokencyde. I don't like them as much as other bands, but they're alright. "Monster inside me" is my favorite song by them, and happens to be the song I'm listening to. I have a friend who is killer obsessed with them. It's kind of funny because I'm the same way with Escape The Fate [which you would know if my homepage thingy worked!]

I'm using this stupid blog just to write. I had a journal I used to write in, but my mom actually got ahold of it and began reading parts of it. Now, if you read about what I wrote about, you would know that it's not good. If you read this stupid things, you'll figure it out soon. I write about my wants, hopes, and dreams, my fears, my opinions, and music. Doesn't sound so bad, right? Well, it is. And it sucks. Sure posting your suicidal thoughts onto the internet isn't a good thing, but will my mom read it now? Will any of my family get to read it now? Nopee.

 Well before I write more, I'm just going to say more about me. I have divorced parents since I was two. I currently live with my mom, who is remarried. My dad is in the next town over, but that's all I really know. He doesn't give a damn about me, and never will. I have a brother, Ryan, who is like 11. I have a stepsister, Chelsea, and a stepbrother Cody, who are both in high school. I don't see them only because my dad also remarried, and happen to be Linda's kids.

I live in a killer small town, and am currently in seventh grade. [Yeah, I'm young. Don't judge] I have like 24 kids in my class, and about 200 in the whole school. It sucks. The worst part is the fact that they all listen to country music, and I really don't like much country. A few songs are okay, but I have to choose them. Some listen to Rap/Hip-Hop crap, which to me, is worse than country. Like two songs are good to me. Not one kid listens to anything I care to listen to. None of them will even bother to pick up an Escape the Fate or All Time Low CD.

 Living in a small town also makes everybody judgemental. Parents hate me because I don't dress in something John Dear or Hollister. I don't like American Eagle or Aero. I shop at Pac Sun and Hot Topic, and often try to dress in as much black as I possibly can. I have a limit on how I'm supposed to act, and dress. Everybody even tries to limit the music I listen too. I hate it.

You could say I'm a popular kid though. I don't know why, but I am. I don't like talking to anybody, and if I do, I always talk to them. I'm often annoying my few friends, just because they're the only people I can have a true conversation with. I have one friend in 8th grade, and the other is a freshman. They're great to talk to, but lately I stopped with contact. They shouldn't be hearing about my constant problems and whatnot.

The song changed! "Reverse This Curse" Escape The Fate. I love them to death! Great band, no matter who they really change, I guess. I love Ronnie Radke, but Craig Mabbitt does have some good songs though. My opinion on Blessthefall now: they suck. I think Craig should be back over there, honestly.

Overall, I'm pretty misunderstood. I have way more to say, to vent, but I'm going to cut it short. Chances are, I'll be writing more later. Message me if you really think you can handle me <3

--Ashley

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